SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Local startup founder Marcus Chen has reportedly begun opening all business correspondence with the phrase "Hope all is well" this week, a linguistic choice that colleagues describe as "increasingly concerning" given his company's current financial situation and the fact that his
PALO ALTO, CA — Following months of congressional hearings and public outcry over workforce diversity, leading AI company NeuroMax Industries announced Tuesday that it has hired its first human employee, 34-year-old Joe Matherson of Sunnyvale, California. "We're thrilled to welcome Joe to our all-artificial team," said NeuroMax
CLEVELAND, OH — Local tech entrepreneur Marcus Whitfield reportedly spent 47 minutes crafting the perfect "thanks for connecting" message after receiving a LinkedIn request from someone whose bio mentioned "M&A Advisory" and "Strategic Partnerships," sources close to the increasingly desperate founder confirmed Tuesday.
AUSTIN, TX — In what industry experts are calling a "statistical impossibility," local startup founder Derek Holloway successfully demonstrated his company's AI-powered scheduling assistant to potential investors yesterday without the software crashing, generating racist poetry, or attempting to order 40,000 bananas from a Korean grocery delivery
NEW YORK — In a groundbreaking expansion of its prestigious annual rankings, Forbes magazine today unveiled its inaugural "10 Under 10" list, celebrating the business world's most innovative and disruptive minds who haven't yet reached double digits in age. "These young visionaries are already
Mike Roma, the founder of chatbot startup NVRMESSAGEME, left his two hour meeting with a Menlo Park early stage venture firm brimming with hope and optimism. Mike stated "wow, I've never been in a room with so many highly engaged venture folks. They literally wouldn't
Part 1 of an 8 Part Series - Prepping for Burning Man As Crunch Valley prepares to send investigative reporters into the "inclusive," "decommodifying" retreat for the white and wealthy, we will be profiling one veteran party goer every month to get a sense of the
Raj Hindenburg couldn’t help but think that consuming real food kept making him crash and burn. So, he’s taken to Task Rabbit to dial up three month’s worth of flavorless mush to consume. “Every time I shared a meal with other people, I just got creeped out
Oculus Rift developers today announced a new program to give Bay Area Oculus Rift owners the appearance of a middle class and a social safety net. “We worked with Pokemon and Google Maps to let people wear their Oculus headsets in San Francisco and they can walk through the Tenderloin
Bringing you the worst from the Valley
Rueben Kushner the founder and CTO of spinout.io cannot discern why prospective customers keep passing on his technology. “Look, the economics are there, our proprietary technology can save companies millions. I don’t know why these f*cking idiots are not buying it. At first I thought it was
With most of the gibberish names taken for existing accelerators, the executive team of The Valley’s latest faux business fostering entity is watching Star Trek: The Next Generation re-runs to find a name. “Amil used to run lunch-and-learns at MIT’s DeltaV, and Joan successfully bankrupted two YCombinator companies,
PALO ALTO, CA — After much deliberation,, area venture partner Brad Hutchinson, 34, has reportedly been seriously considering applying to give a TED talk about his unique perspectives on innovation and entrepreneurship. "Brad mentioned it at coffee yesterday," said longtime associate Jennifer Chen, adjusting her AirPods. "He said
By Crash Windward PALO ALTO, CA — Following a successful $12 million Series A funding round, the three co-founders of productivity app FlowState have reportedly entered their fourth consecutive day of heated deliberations over whether their TechCrunch announcement photo should be taken on their Herman Miller couch or standing awkwardly behind
By Crash Windward SAN FRANCISCO—In what industry experts are calling "the most honest startup pitch of 2024," local tech company NeuralMind announced this week that their revolutionary AI-powered decision-making platform is actually just a 23-year-old intern named Kevin who Googles things and sends the results via Slack.
